The Day My Heart Broke Forever.....

I can't believe it has already been 12 months. Like seriously where on earth does the time go? 

Its just a reminder, that time does not stop or slow down for anyone. 

12 months ago, my heart broke forever when you passed away. I know you were 98, and you wouldn't live forever. But you just not being around is just so unimaginable. You were my Great Grand Pop. The love I hold for you is just so unconditional. I was your little Becki. 

You were so determined to reach 100! I really thought you were going to make it. 2 months before you passed away, you health really took a turn for the worst. You had developed a brain tumor, which had killed a lot of movement to your left side. We had actually thought you had had a stroke. 

When I was told the news we drove to QLD that night, approx 13 hours. I wanted to be there for you that morning, seeing you had requested I come home the day before. It was hard seeing you struggle and so weak. You couldn't get up or walk to the toilet on your own, You had to be assisted. 

We wanted to keep you in your home until your 98th birthday. It was only a day away. It was such an achievement and blessing for you to have lived independently for so long, you had my mum to help you with jobs, and she cooked for you every night. 

I slept on the floor in your lounge room, and on your birthday we had Black Forest cake for breakfast. All your Great Great Grandkiddies were there. You loved them all so much. 

The following day we made the hard decision for you to go to hospital to get you ready for a nursing home. It was hard knowing that this is what it was coming to. You spent about 4  weeks in hospital. I came up and visited you every day. I sat with you and either just held your hand, or stroked your hair. 

We didn't talk much as most of the time I couldn't understand you. You changed every time you fell asleep. When I got you at a good time when you could talk properly and we would have a laugh, I deliberately kept you awake for that little longer as I never knew when the last time would be we could have a conversation. 

During this time in hospital your memory also started to slip, sometimes you didn't know who I was. You also took your frustration out on me, and that was perfectly fine. 

One of the last conversations we had together you told me that you wanted to ride a wild brumby bare back.  You sure did love your horses! Then this reminded me of when I was little and you used to give me horsie rides around the house on your back. This was when I told you, that you were free to go when ever you felt you needed. That was hard. But he deserved peace. 

I also took this picture one day when you were napping. I treasure it with all my heart. 

Finally the time come where you were shifted to the nursing home. Once there and knowing you were settled I would head home. Jayden needed to go back to school, and Zack was missing his Daddy terribly. We took photos and decorated your room. I organised to get you a fresh bunch of flowers sent every week. 

I went to see you one last time before I had to leave. You were in a bad state. The nurses informed us you had passed away but bought yourself back. That made it even harder to leave. 

It was a month before I was able to fly back to see you. I was really nervous, the whole flight. Then I started getting sharp pains in my head, and I couldn't see. My eyes were watering. I thought my head was exploding. What was happening to me?? This was a pain I had Never felt before in my life.  A flight attendant had to sit with me to make sure I was ok, then I was escorted off the plane. They wanted to call me an ambulance but I convinced them I was fine. All I was worried about was coming to see you and spend as much time as I could with you while I was there. 

As soon as I got to Kingaroy, I went to the nursing home with Aunt Vanessa. You were sleeping, so we just sat around you and talked while holding your hand and stroking your face. We did attempt to wake you a few times, but you didn't budge. 

The nurses came in to turn you, and they managed to wake you. After the nurses left, I stood there looking into your eyes. I lent in and told you that I loved you. You said something back, but I have no idea what it was. After that you took your last breath. 

And that was the day, my heart broke forever.. .

I was relieved you would no longer suffer. But I knew I was going to miss you so much.

There is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of you. 

You were so remarkable, a true gentleman. Caring, loving and real. My aim in life, is to guide my sons, to be such remarkable men like you were. 

I was so lucky and blessed to have you in my life, and still at your age of 98. 

I know you are still with me. But I still miss you so darn much.